Greetings again, readers!
As I’m settling into the new job, I’m almost beside myself with what a “normal” schedule feels like! I’ve been working on my erotic fiction writing a little (perhaps I’ll start a blog for those…) I’ve actually had time to date a bit…some good experiences, some bad, but recently nothing horrifying, thankfully. I have recently been on a few dates with one gentleman in particular that presents a very unique situation…time will tell how that works out, but my curiosity is piqued.
I do seem to constantly get asked for dating/relationship advice from MEN. This, I don’t understand, considering I’m the Queen of Single Women. So…today’s blog, I’ll answer a few general questions I seem to get asked…and these things work both ways, so men, I’m not picking on you!
Be warned…if sexual topics offend you, DO NOT READ FORWARD! (If sexual topics offend you, why in the hell are you reading my blog?!!!)
“Why don’t I get any responses to my online dating ads? Or when I send messages to women?”
For one…are you batting entirely out of your league or pursuing someone who isn’t compatible with you? I see this a lot. While it’s admirable to shoot for the stars, the worst someone can say is no…don’t complain when you KNOW someone is out of your league…or even that you know the compatibility isn’t there. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had smokers contact me when it says in numerous places that I WILL NOT date a smoker because of my severe allergy. I’m an avid gym-goer, and specifically state that I like athletic, fit men…yet remarkably overweight, sothlike creature still send me messages nonstop. I’m not going to reply to your messages because it’s pointless. Also…just because you sent a flattering compliment, when someone doesn’t reply, it doesn’t mean she is ungrateful or rude, she simply isn’t “feeding the pigeons” (That one is for you Mikey!) If you even say thank you to some people, they take that as an open door that there’s a shot at meeting you and will harass you endlessly.
“I chatted with this one girl for months, now she won’t meet me in person finally…why?”
The fact that it took you MONTHS to ask her out makes it seem like you stuck her on a back burner while you pursued other interests, or perhaps weren’t actually single. With women, you HAVE to strike while the iron is hot…if you have her attention, ask her out THEN. If you wait, you’ll lose her. Some other guy is going to realize she’s a catch and snatch her up, or she will decide you weren’t as awesome as you seemed because you kept putting her off.
“Why is she not talking to me after the date…I thought things went well?”
This could be a number of things…YOU may have had a great time, but did you make sure SHE was enjoying herself? Don’t EVER go on a first date to a movie…you can’t even talk! Pick a restaurant/cafe/coffee shop with a gentle atmosphere and quiet so you can get to know one another. Did you come on too strong…or too casual? The trick is to show genuine interest on that first date, but don’t smother her. Don’t enter her personal space unless she invites you…but keep your body language open so she can read your interest. Try not to bring up sex, past relationships, religion or politics. Keep conversation light-hearted and get to know one another. Talk about movies, music, things going on, food…see how much you have in common. If you’re unwilling to exchange life information, she may see that as you being a guy only looking for a casual fling. Ask questions about her also…she needs to know that you genuinely want to get to know her.
“How do I know when it’s okay to kiss her?”
Nothing is more awkward than the “Do we kiss?” vibe…neither are sure of the other’s interest, and neither wants to be rejected. As a woman, unless she is dominant or aggressive, she will generally expect you to move in for the first kiss. Read her body language…if her body is turned away from you, crossed arms, crossed legs, showing signs of “blocking” contact, don’t attempt the kiss. If she has smiled, flirted, played with her hair, touched you in some way, shown open body language…by all means, Kiss the Girl!! If you don’t, she may feel like you aren’t interested. When in doubt…ASK! I personally find it flattering and a bit sexy for a man to say something like “You have beautiful lips…May I kiss them?” And don’t make it a long, drawn out make-out session… a brief, lingering kiss without tongue is sufficient…she will lead you if she wants more. That one simple first kiss and stepping away can leave her craving more…don’t be afraid to build a little anticipation. (And men…if you want to make her weak in the knees, make sure you’re a great kisser before going in for a long kissing session…we’ve all had bad kissers, and you can’t wait to break away from those!)
“When is the right time to move to the intimate stuff?”
If I have to explain this to you, you probably aren’t ready to date. I can’t answer this. Some people have sex on a first date, it’s amazing, and they go on to get married. Some people wait a month or more, it’s mediocre, and things just fizzle. Only the two of you can answer that, but before you close that bedroom door, make SURE you’ve discussed your intent, safe sex, STD’s, pregnancy worries, and likes/dislikes, or else you’re in for a complete disaster!!
“We had sex…it was great for me, why won’t she have sex with me again?”
This one is pretty easy…several factors come into play. Firstly…how much did you hype yourself, or brag about Mr. Happy? If you exaggerated any of that, she ‘s going to be disappointed and think you exaggerate everything. BE HONEST…it’ll get you further. In the bedroom, were you an attentive lover? Ample foreplay? And guys…come on, it’s the 21st Century…. YOU HAVE TO GO DOWNTOWN!!! Seriously…why do men think they don’t need to do that, but they demand oral favors themselves??? Puh-lease. That door swings both ways….she should be tasting some sausage while you’re exploring the secret salad. (Women, you need to be doing it too, so don’t laugh!) You may have been satisfied…but was she? If she wasn’t, did you offer to help her reach the finish line? If you got up and left and didn’t so much as OFFER to satisfy her, you had better not even expect to hear from her again, much less sex. Would YOU go back to a woman who straight-up left you deliberately with blue balls?? I didn’t think so. Was there a performance issue (too soon, couldn’t rise to the occasion)? Those aren’t deal-breakers, but reassure her it’s not a normal issue, still be attentive to her, and there’s a good chance she will give it another shot.
“Dating has gone well, but she won’t commit…why?”
Well, gentlemen, there are female players too. This isn’t ALWAYS the case…she could be crazy about you, but she may feel like the two of you aren’t compatible long-term. I’ve been in this position myself…I dated someone I was absolutely crazy about, but I knew he wanted to have children in the near future, and I can’t have any. In my eyes, it would be unfair to waste his time in a relationship with me knowing I can’t give him what he wants. Fellas, don’t be afraid to ask her WHY she won’t commit, or why she’s pulling away. Chances are, she isn’t a player…something has her worried.
“I’m curious about all these new Open or Polyamorous relationships. How can I talk my girl into it?”
You can’t. It HAS to be something you both want. If she wants monogamy, and you want more than one woman on a regular basis, the relationship is going to die…she will lose trust in you, and chances are, you’ll chase what you want secretly. If she isn’t into it equally, let it go, or you’ll lose her. When a woman is giving you all she has to offer, meets all your emotional and sexual needs always, and you still want other women, she will begin to doubt her self worth and wonder why she isn’t good enough. If you want other women, you’d better be DAMN sure you’re willing to give her other men equally to show it isn’t a selfish situation. That table MUST be equal if it’s going to work.
I think I answered all the “big” questions…I’ll be happy to answer more, no matter how funny or serious